Okay just fair warning, today i'm gonna sound like Mrs. Debbie Downer, mainly because its been rough and I need to vent and cry. Its okay to cry every once and a while, isnt it?
Today was the first day I have EVER sobbed during a workout. I had to pause it at one point just to catch my breath cuz i felt like i was going to hyperventilate. But I learned something important today, thanks to my husband. Excuses will get the best of us if we let them. We gotta push through them.
I have felt useless today. Just exhausted to the point where i felt like all my limbs were made of lead and i was dragging my feet. I have NO IDEA what has caused this feeling, and I don't like it. I get it sometimes at work towards the end of the day, but i've never experienced that on the weekends, mainly because i tend to not really do much except for laundry and grocery shop. But today I woke up with an awful migrane and that just set the mood for the rest of the day.
As you all know, I do Insanity Sunday-Friday, with Saturdays being my rest day. Well, last week? I did it Sun, Mon, Tuesday, then was sick Wed-Friday. So i have gone 4 days without doing it. that did NOT help me when it came time to do it today. I usually do it right when i get up because I know i'll talk myself out of it later in the day if i don't. Well, unfortunately, today I woke up with a migrane which I have to eat toast, drink something, and take medicine. which takes time. it took an hour and a half before that medicine kicked in. By that time? It was already 930a. I usually go to the store at 11.
I, instead of doing Insanity once the medicine kicked in, decided to read and finish laundry that i didn't finish yesterday. Then i had used the excuse "well i just ate, so i'll probably throw up." Daniel just shook his head and said "you're gonna regret this later." yeah. i did.
around noon my dad and i went to the store. I was dragging my feet the whole time. I felt and feel awful still. we got our groceries, and by the time we got home I was starving, in an ill mood, blood sugar was dropping, ect. that was 2p. It took Daniel an hour and a half to convince me to get off my ass and do Insanity. He had to force me up, tell me i had to go get dressed, and basically do everything but force me to do the moves. Am I ashamed? yes. I am ashamed at how i've been today, but i don't really know what it is. I feel like someone has drugged me and made me feel so out of it. I haven't taken anything other than sudafed and B12 which BOTH are supposed to perk you up. (sudafed for my headache).
There was one point during the dvd where i just sat on the floor and said "i give up" and i just started sobbing because i had no idea what else to do. I felt like i was chained to the floor, felt like i couldn't get up. Daniel said "i'm trying to have faith in you. Please. get up. do it. you wont regret it. I love you. You need to break the cycle." He said that if I didnt do it that i was falling into my old patterns of quitting because i didn't feel like it...making excuses because I was tired and just didn't want to do it...He was telling me the truth.
Everytime I start a new "regimen" for working out, i do it really well for a few weeks, then i slack...something ALWAYS comes up. I get "sick," or i have this or that going on, or plain 'I just dont want to anymore." every. single. time. I give up. I say "its impossible to go on, i'm never going to lose this weight." "I'm sick, this must be a sign I shouldn't keep this up." "I just don't really care anymore." ect ect. same old bullshit, same old Bethany.
but today I hit a breaking point. Thanks to my wonderful husband, i powered through. I sobbed though most of it, and once it was over I broke down. But this time i broke down because i broke through the shield of the past. I broke through and kept going. i have never felt so ashamed. i have never felt so liberated.
All this being said, i think i'll be able to do it no matter what now. i know i can do it when i feel chained to the ground. sorry for the debbie downer vibe today. just...not feeling it. its been a roller coaster of a day.
thats all for now.
hope ya'll had a great weekend.
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