As most of you know, I am pregnant with our second! Hooray! I am about 15 weeks, and we are so thrilled. This little bundle is due July 22, but we'll see what happens. I'm praying he/she decides to stay in a little late like Ella did. Everything is going well with the pregnancy, so we are just waiting until we get to meet him or her! It should be fun. Ella already kisses my belly and tells them goodnight and she loves them before bed--it is adorable! I hope she keeps this love for her sibling once they arrive. Haha, she doesn't really like sharing too much these days.
We have also moved to Colorado Springs since I last posted. I am so happy here, and it is about 300x better than Warner Robins. No regrets. 3.5 years in GA was enough for me to know I never want to return. I'm loving it out here with the mountains to one side and the plains on the other. I've never lived somewhere this beautiful before. I think the closest rival would be Keesler, and well...thats a beach--soo.....beach or mountains?! I feel like my soul is just happy here. I'm starting to venture out and meet people. I'm enjoying the outdoors. I LOVE hiking. I wish that I wasn't so tired from this altitude/being pregnant--it would make it easier to do things! I am trying, and actually today we started implementing a routine of sorts for Ella and I. We have stuck with it, but Ella wasn't too fond of nap today. Which is why I sit here typing this.
Let me preface this with the fact that I have been struggling with the idea of weaning since we got here. It has become painful, exhausting, and Ella isn't getting anything other than comfort. I originally wanted to go until she was 2. If you know me, you know how important nursing has been to me over the last year and a half. I have loved almost every minute of it, and it kills me to think of weaning. Two nights ago, Daniel brought her to me at 3am and i let her latch as usual. The pain was so unbearable that I asked her if she would please "pop off and go to sleep." And she did.
Saturday and Sunday were easy, she would ask for milk and I would ask her if she wanted milk from me or milk in a cup--"milk cup?" sooo that was that. I nursed her twice, once Sat and once Sunday. She would sit on for about 3 minutes then pop off and ask for milk in a cup, so I'm assuming I'm not producing anymore anyways. Luckily for me, she has started to take to whole and almond milk AND she eats like crazy. Not luckily for me, hormones are already bad due to pregnancy...soo then that brings us to today.
Today has been great--she was up at 5a and I got out of bed at 545. We ate our breakfast, played with toys did a little "school" (i.e., we did a wipe clean book page from Usborne...trying to find some sensory things for us to do during that time). We even got to go outside for the first time in weeks it seems like because it is BEAUTIFUL. We walked down to the park and I let her play and be a kid. It was terrific! Then we walked home and got cleaned up for lunch. She started falling asleep while eating, so we cleaned up and went upstairs.
I first tried rocking her, to which she started asking for milk. If it had been any other time, I might have let her have the one nursing, but I knew if I started nursing her before nap I would never be able to wean her from that. I distracted her, but she just kept running around and playing and fighting sleep. I knew that if I nursed her, she'd fall asleep instantly, but I was determined not to associate nursing and sleep anymore--she has been off her bedtime nursing since we got here--on her own accord. I was losing my patience and finally I sat down in the recliner and wouldn't let her get down. I sang and rocked--the whole time she was sobbing and crying for milk. Cue guilt.
I have never felt so selfish and horrible than in that moment. I felt like I was depriving her of everything, even though I know better. That was the hardest 10 minutes of my life. "Please milk" "mom milk" "milk?" "pleeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaasssssseeeeeeee miiiilkkkk" sob. sob. sob. When she finally fell asleep, thats when the tears started coming. I always wanted to wait until she was 2, or longer, to wean her. I never wanted to forcefully wean her. I thought two days ago she was basically giving it up herself with her asking for milk in a cup instead of from me. I didnt expect to feel this...this GUILTY.
So I am sitting here, eating my hormones in pasta and watching my little girl sleep peacefully on the baby monitor while tears roll down my cheeks. Don't get me wrong, I am sooo thankful to have made it a full 19 months of nursing--a feat considering how many issues with pain I had in the beginning. I am proud of myself for persevering and being stubborn about it. I am extremely grateful for encountering La Leche League and Breastfeeding USA counselors when I did. They helped me through a lot. I am also grateful to be able to say that I am an official La Leche League leader. I know now I can go into this next breastfeeding relationship with confidence, unlike when I started nursing Ella. I felt SO lost those first few days with her, but now I KNOW I can do it. I know that my body is capable.
I am sad to lose this bit of our relationship, but it also makes me happy to know that I have sustained her and given her "liquid gold" all these months. I know I have pictures, that I once was afraid to post, to remind me of how important it is. My favorite one being the one of me nursing her at 1 week old. I was terrified to let Jayla take that picture, but now it is one of my most cherished memories.
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| First Latch 30min after birth <3 |
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| One week old--Daniel's unwavering support is what got me through |
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| 6 months old--I loved these pictures, still do. |
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| 12 months old-This was an everyday occurance lol |
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| 16 months old. I love this little girl with all of my heart. I cherish every minute we've nursed. |
