Its been about two months since I posted last. Not too much has changed, but there are some things going forward that yes, I am terrified of. Yes, there will be new challenges. yes, I am ready for it. so?
ALLONS-Y!
I am ready for it. I have a new found hope to my weight loss. I know I know, you guys have heard me go back and forth. But.... the thing is... I never admitted to myself why I was having so much trouble. Until the other night. Hubs and I were doing our devotional (Love and Respect by Emerson Eggerichs--fantastic one! get the workbook too!) and we were discussing some things that he needed to work on according to the book...and it got us talking about some things I needed to work on...and all of a sudden I said it. What I guess I knew at the back of my mind, but never admitted, even to myself.
"I don't believe in myself."
Let me just tell you, coming to that realization.... admitting it to myself and to my husband... it was hard. Once I realized what I said, I broke down. Its true. I dont believe in myself. I dont think I can do it. I realized that is what has been holding me back. As soon as I start to get in a good habit and start doing well, I freak out and stop trusting myself and God.... I let myself fall backwards. I can't do that anymore. Something happened that night when I admitted that to myself. I have felt like a new person, felt like I can do this...because of course, my husband was very adamant about how much he believed in me and how he KNEW i could do this.
Why don't I believe in myself? Well, to be honest--its all in my past. I grew up overweight, in an overweight family. My friends were, for the most part super skinny. I grew up watching them wishing I could be that weight, but at the same time going home and eating whatever I wanted. We ate starches and breads with our big portions of meat. I ate ice cream like it was going out of style. I tried all the fads out there, and would gain the little I lost back. I didn't allow myself to venture into the unknown territory, and now, I have a fear of it. Some may say thats crazy, but its a true fear. I want to have children, but I need to lose weight before I get pregnant. That KILLS me. Because when I think i can't lose the weight, then i start thinking "omg, i'm never going to have babies of my own." And thats not good for me.
But, like I said, this God-sent message to myself....I needed to say it. I needed to admit it. Because now? I know how to FIGHT it. I may still have a hard time believing in myself (hey, its only been 3 days!), but I know why I'm having issues. I know the root of it. As long as I stay in the Word, my husband encourages me like he's so good at, and I surround myself with friends who want the same things--i'll get there. As I reach goals, I'll start believing in myself again. Its just hard to do after so many "failures."
I have started Weight Watchers again. I did so well on it when I was consistent with it. So as long as I stay consistent, set goals like I did for Daniel's BMT grad, and really hunker down on what foods I'm making, I should be good as gold. :)
My first goal? I would like to be 15-20lbs down by April 7. I start my new job as a nanny that day. :) (Like i said, lots going on, new challenges, should be fun!) That gives me about 7 weeks to lose it, so thats about a 2lb/week loss minus the first week or two which should be slightly higher losses (*hopefully*). Lets hope I start believing in myself soon, right?
Started out this morning with a gym workout with my amazing hubs. Yes, we got out in the FREEZING COLD rain/sleet at 5 AM to workout. was I happy about it? NOPE. I wanted to curl back up in my warm bed and sleep. Did I push myself anyways? Yup. :) I did two laps jogging, one lap walking, two laps jogging, one lap walking, 2 laps sprinting the short sides/jogging the long sides, walked a lap, 2 laps sprinting short sides/jogging the long sides, walked 1/2 lap, jogged short sides, sprinted one long side, walked half lap, jogged short sides, sprinted one long side, then did a walking cool down for 2 laps. so that was a total of 15 laps (on a 0.1mi track) in about 30 minutes. I'd say it was a pretty good workout...i was surely sweating up a storm! I was supposed to swim later, but I'm pretty sure the roads are going to be an icy mess. Maybe I'll just do some planks, cruches, and pushups later. :)
I can't wait to see what God has in store for me over the next year! They will be exciting, difficult, fun, and wonderful. Here's to challenges!
Allons-y!
-Beth
