The Road Not Taken

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
and sorry I could not travel both
and be one traveler, long i stood
and looked down one as far as I could
to where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
and having perhaps the better claim
because it was grassy and wanted wear,
though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same

And both that morning equally lay
in leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I marked the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I,
I took the one less traveled by,
and THAT has made all the difference.
-Robert Frost-

This poem I memorized in 6th grade at Whitesburg Middle School with Mrs. Foster. I still remember it. I still remember the day she handed it to us and I was like "oh crap. I'm never going to memorize all this... I'm never going to want this in my head...this is never going to make  a difference..." hah, what fools we are as children.

i had a rather crazy episode of uncrontrolled sobbing tonight. Just all the stress of wanting to lose weight, seeing all my friends getting pregnant (btw, be warned, you may be hidden for a while or even deleted if i see that I cannot handle it...too much to bear right now). While I understand that now is not the right time, you guys have no idea how hard it is for me to sit back and watch. Daniel and I are on our own timeline, and I'm so thankful for that...but being a mother is all i've ever wanted, so it weighs heavily on my heart. Just be warned, its nothing against you, its just something i've got to to in order to keep sane.....and thats only if i see its just making me fall deeper and deeper into this pit. 

But its the weight loss, the wait to have children, work, the thought that Daniel is leaving in 6.5 weeks, just everything piled on top...and I just lost it... the thing that brought me to that point was me getting irrationally mad because Daniel was proving a point to me about going out to eat. I was mad that my friend couldn't go out and that she waited almost an hour to tell me so (no worries, i'm over it...i wasn't truly mad, just everything made me that irritable).... but anyways--so i was "angry" and i just wanted chili's because "i had gotten it in my mind i was  going to eat out" and he blatantly pointed out that i would feel awful if i went and that i just needed to eat something here...and to which i replied "fine i just wont eat" and i stomped off to the bathroom where I had my meltdown. 

irrational? stupid? yes.   idk. i guess just everything hit me at once, and i lashed out. I know that if i do not admit to this...i will allow myself to do it again. I let myself cry it out for at least an hour...Daniel came in after 15 minutes and just sat with me. I felt awful. But i realized something...the reason its so difficult for me is because this is "the road not taken" for me. I've never been down this road before. I've never been the skinny girl...and i have this "irrational fear" of getting down. Thats whats been hindering me these past couple years. I've gotten scared. Terrified. 

I know I can do it. I'm just terrified of doing it. What happens if I get down and I don't like what I see? What happens if I get down and Daniel doesn't like what he sees? What happens if I don't think its enough and I keep going and keep going until i develop anorexia or bulemia... i mean... these are all irrational fears. but they are the demons inside of me. This is why i created this blog...to not only note my successes but to share my demons, to unload a burden, to vent. 

I know Daniel loves me with all of his heart and I know he is behind me 100% of the way, just as I was for him when he lost his weight and as I am for him as he leaves for BMT.  I think its just hard for me sometimes. you know?  I know you guys don't really understand me...and thats okay. I can be kinda crazy sometimes. I just had to let this out. 

I am taking the road less traveled  Its not gonna be easy, in fact--its going to be damn hard. I don't expect anything less. I just hope you guys can bear with me. I need prayers. Pray for strength, God's wisdom, and for me to just overcome. I'm going to have these morbid moments where i just lash out and then instantly regret it. So much I have to overcome...not just my weight issues...but the issues that led me to gain weight in the first place. I have to make a stand against myself. for myself. 

"I wont give up on us, even if the skies get rough--i'm giving you all I got...I'm still looking up, I'm still looking up. No I wont give up on us, GOD KNOWS I'M TOUGH ENOUGH. [I've] got a lot to learn. God know's [I'm] worth it. [I'm] worth it."-Jason Mraz. 

On The Road Again

I know, you guys are thinking that "oh here she goes again...this time i wonder how long it will take for her to quit again."

I've said it again and again "this time is different." and each time, its been the same. Though, i don't know if thats completely true because it is different. It has been since i posted my first blog.  I've had a lot of struggles over the last 10 months, and all of which have had some form of influence on my weight loss efforts.  This time, its for the better.

I've started a new job which gives me 5 extra hours a week that i spend in the gym. It also is so much more laid back and awesome than my last job. I'm able to eat every 2-3 hours, like they say. i can bring yogurt, cheese, apples, nuts, anything my heart desires for a snack. my hours are 10-5 M&W, 8-3 Tu&Th, and it varies on fridays...usually either 8-3 or 10-5...or sometimes 7-1230 or 1.  so if its a late day, i'll go to the gym first thing and then eat breakfast around 9...snack around 11, eat lunch around 1, snack around 3, eat dinner around 5 or 6.  All of my snacks are small... usually apple slices and a Babybel white cheddar cheese wheel...thats my favorite snack...and my lunches are usually an AdvantEdge shake with a greek yogurt and cheese stick.

Its so refreshing. i also get to take the kids on buggy rides some days (depends on who is awake and who is asleep--i work with 6w-1y) I keep telling my husband that i'm sooo glad i changed jobs...even though its less money, we're doing okay. i'm not as stressed, and that pays off BIG TIME in the end.  I think the only thing i'm kinda worried about is not being able to do our anniversary trip before he leaves for BMT on Dec 17.

We want to go stay at the Beau Rivage in Biloxi, MS for 3 nights. Its got a theatre, several restaurants, on the beach (not that big of a deal in Dec, but its still pretty), and its a resort, so its beautiful.  I've been there before only a couple years after Katrina, and it was pretty then, even with the wasteland around it. now its all built up again though, and i can't wait to see it.

But anyways. I haven't posted in a while, and I wanted to let you know, that i'm doing good. I'm down 4 lbs since restarting last week.  i've been really good about going to the gym, only missing one day last week due to a migrane.  My eating is what i'm focusing on more this week.  I mean, its not that i do bad, i just have a hard time with portions at dinner. i'm great at breakfast, lunch, snacks...its dinner. Depending on what we have, i go back for seconds....not always for the main thing, but the sides...like tonight we're doing Chicken, green beans and corn. I'll probably go back for the veggies but not for chicken...but all the calories add up. My coffee is the worst. I wish i could drink it black. lol. would save me about 75 calories. And since I'm not drinking soda, i have to have my coffee--otherwise its caffeine withdrawls for me, and that is NO FUN. haha

Daniel's been a big help too. Though, he always is. This time i told him to be more honest with me and by golly he listened. I go into the kitchen to get froyo or want to get fast food on a lunch or something he's like "do you want to lose weight?" "do you want to stay at this weight the rest of your life?" "do you want kids?" just honest stuff, and usually we end up talking about it and then i'm like "yea, you're right, its not worth it." and i sit my butt back down or ignore my craving for fast food.  OR like two weeks ago, i wanted a burger...so instead of going to Mc Donalds, i just got hamburger meat and buns from the store, went home and made my own...out of lean beef.... sooo i saved some calories there. :)


I know you guys have pretty low faith in me right now because i've been so on again off again the past few months, but bear with me. I'm trying, and i just need encouragement, and something to maintain my willpower. Willpower is the one thing i have the hardest time with.  :\ "If losing weight were easy, everyone would do it." I try to remember that. Its not easy, and it will only get harder, but i just need to power through and do it anyways. Something I'm hopefully about to start is a devotional, as well. Daniel and I are going to be reading through His Needs, Her Needs and I will be doing a devotional at work. The devotional I am going to be doing is called "Food, Fitness, and Faith" and i'll just be doing the 21 day devotional first to see how it goes.  :)

but anyways, theres a song out there that all of you know and I sing this song to myself even though its meant as a romantic song, but i sing it about my weight...and Daniel...but when i hear it, i think about myself.

"I wont give up on us, even if the skies get rough. [I'm giving it all I got], I'm still looking up, I'm still looking up. I wont give up on us, God knows I'm TOUGH ENOUGH. We got a lot to learn, God knows we're worth it. WE'RE WORTH IT!"

REMEMBER:
we are all worth the fight. God knows how much we can take and he knows what it takes to push us.
"I can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me." Philippians 4:13

Go make a positive change today. I know I did. I did my workout even though I didn't want to get up. Go do it. you'll feel better.

Take THE ROAD LESS TRAVELED.  I know i'll be taking that one. because "that [will make] all the difference."  I'll post the full poem by Robert Frost in another blog. Its one of my faves that i learned in 6th grade and probably one of the only ones I remember.

have a good day! no. strike that. HAVE A FANTASTIC DAY! :D