The Road Not Taken

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
and sorry I could not travel both
and be one traveler, long i stood
and looked down one as far as I could
to where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
and having perhaps the better claim
because it was grassy and wanted wear,
though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same

And both that morning equally lay
in leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I marked the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I,
I took the one less traveled by,
and THAT has made all the difference.
-Robert Frost-

This poem I memorized in 6th grade at Whitesburg Middle School with Mrs. Foster. I still remember it. I still remember the day she handed it to us and I was like "oh crap. I'm never going to memorize all this... I'm never going to want this in my head...this is never going to make  a difference..." hah, what fools we are as children.

i had a rather crazy episode of uncrontrolled sobbing tonight. Just all the stress of wanting to lose weight, seeing all my friends getting pregnant (btw, be warned, you may be hidden for a while or even deleted if i see that I cannot handle it...too much to bear right now). While I understand that now is not the right time, you guys have no idea how hard it is for me to sit back and watch. Daniel and I are on our own timeline, and I'm so thankful for that...but being a mother is all i've ever wanted, so it weighs heavily on my heart. Just be warned, its nothing against you, its just something i've got to to in order to keep sane.....and thats only if i see its just making me fall deeper and deeper into this pit. 

But its the weight loss, the wait to have children, work, the thought that Daniel is leaving in 6.5 weeks, just everything piled on top...and I just lost it... the thing that brought me to that point was me getting irrationally mad because Daniel was proving a point to me about going out to eat. I was mad that my friend couldn't go out and that she waited almost an hour to tell me so (no worries, i'm over it...i wasn't truly mad, just everything made me that irritable).... but anyways--so i was "angry" and i just wanted chili's because "i had gotten it in my mind i was  going to eat out" and he blatantly pointed out that i would feel awful if i went and that i just needed to eat something here...and to which i replied "fine i just wont eat" and i stomped off to the bathroom where I had my meltdown. 

irrational? stupid? yes.   idk. i guess just everything hit me at once, and i lashed out. I know that if i do not admit to this...i will allow myself to do it again. I let myself cry it out for at least an hour...Daniel came in after 15 minutes and just sat with me. I felt awful. But i realized something...the reason its so difficult for me is because this is "the road not taken" for me. I've never been down this road before. I've never been the skinny girl...and i have this "irrational fear" of getting down. Thats whats been hindering me these past couple years. I've gotten scared. Terrified. 

I know I can do it. I'm just terrified of doing it. What happens if I get down and I don't like what I see? What happens if I get down and Daniel doesn't like what he sees? What happens if I don't think its enough and I keep going and keep going until i develop anorexia or bulemia... i mean... these are all irrational fears. but they are the demons inside of me. This is why i created this blog...to not only note my successes but to share my demons, to unload a burden, to vent. 

I know Daniel loves me with all of his heart and I know he is behind me 100% of the way, just as I was for him when he lost his weight and as I am for him as he leaves for BMT.  I think its just hard for me sometimes. you know?  I know you guys don't really understand me...and thats okay. I can be kinda crazy sometimes. I just had to let this out. 

I am taking the road less traveled  Its not gonna be easy, in fact--its going to be damn hard. I don't expect anything less. I just hope you guys can bear with me. I need prayers. Pray for strength, God's wisdom, and for me to just overcome. I'm going to have these morbid moments where i just lash out and then instantly regret it. So much I have to overcome...not just my weight issues...but the issues that led me to gain weight in the first place. I have to make a stand against myself. for myself. 

"I wont give up on us, even if the skies get rough--i'm giving you all I got...I'm still looking up, I'm still looking up. No I wont give up on us, GOD KNOWS I'M TOUGH ENOUGH. [I've] got a lot to learn. God know's [I'm] worth it. [I'm] worth it."-Jason Mraz.