Weaning.

It has been an awful long time since I posted last. We have had a lot of changes, and have been sooo incredibly busy. Ella is now 19 months old! I cannot believe it at ALL. The time has gone by so quickly. One minute she was this tiny little squish of a newborn at 8 pounds who is completely dependent on Daniel and myself, then I blinked and now she is a huge 19 month old, 24 pounds and sooo independent.
As most of you know, I am pregnant with our second! Hooray! I am about 15 weeks, and we are so thrilled. This little bundle is due July 22, but we'll see what happens. I'm praying he/she decides to stay in a little late like Ella did. Everything is going well with the pregnancy, so we are just waiting until we get to meet him or her! It should be fun. Ella already kisses my belly and tells them goodnight and she loves them before bed--it is adorable! I hope she keeps this love for her sibling once they arrive. Haha, she doesn't really like sharing too much these days.
We have also moved to Colorado Springs since I last posted. I am so happy here, and it is about 300x better than Warner Robins. No regrets. 3.5 years in GA was enough for me to know I never want to return. I'm loving it out here with the mountains to one side and the plains on the other. I've never lived somewhere this beautiful before. I think the closest rival would be Keesler, and well...thats a beach--soo.....beach or mountains?! I feel like my soul is just happy here. I'm starting to venture out and meet people. I'm enjoying the outdoors. I LOVE hiking. I wish that I wasn't so tired from this altitude/being pregnant--it would make it easier to do things! I am trying, and actually today we started implementing a routine of sorts for Ella and I. We have stuck with it, but Ella wasn't too fond of nap today. Which is why I sit here typing this.
Let me preface this with the fact that I have been struggling with the idea of weaning since we got here. It has become painful, exhausting, and Ella isn't getting anything other than comfort. I originally wanted to go until she was 2. If you know me, you know how important nursing has been to me over the last year and a half. I have loved almost every minute of it, and it kills me to think of weaning. Two nights ago, Daniel brought her to me at 3am and i let her latch as usual. The pain was so unbearable that I asked her if she would please "pop off and go to sleep." And she did.
Saturday and Sunday were easy, she would ask for milk and I would ask her if she wanted milk from me or milk in a cup--"milk cup?" sooo that was that. I nursed her twice, once Sat and once Sunday. She would sit on for about 3 minutes then pop off and ask for milk in a cup, so I'm assuming I'm not producing anymore anyways. Luckily for me, she has started to take to whole and almond milk AND she eats like crazy. Not luckily for me, hormones are already bad due to pregnancy...soo then that brings us to today.
Today has been great--she was up at 5a and I got out of bed at 545. We ate our breakfast, played with toys did a little "school" (i.e., we did a wipe clean book page from Usborne...trying to find some sensory things for us to do during that time). We even got to go outside for the first time in weeks it seems like because it is BEAUTIFUL. We walked down to the park and I let her play and be a kid. It was terrific! Then we walked home and got cleaned up for lunch. She started falling asleep while eating, so we cleaned up and went upstairs.
I first tried rocking her, to which she started asking for milk. If it had been any other time, I might have let her have the one nursing, but I knew if I started nursing her before nap I would never be able to wean her from that. I distracted her, but she just kept running around and playing and fighting sleep. I knew that if I nursed her, she'd fall asleep instantly, but I was determined not to associate nursing and sleep anymore--she has been off her bedtime nursing since we got here--on her own accord. I was losing my patience and finally I sat down in the recliner and wouldn't let her get down. I sang and rocked--the whole time she was sobbing and crying for milk. Cue guilt.
I have never felt so selfish and horrible than in that moment. I felt like I was depriving her of everything, even though I know better. That was the hardest 10 minutes of my life. "Please milk" "mom milk" "milk?" "pleeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaasssssseeeeeeee miiiilkkkk" sob. sob. sob. When she finally fell asleep, thats when the tears started coming. I always wanted to wait until she was 2, or longer, to wean her. I never wanted to forcefully wean her. I thought two days ago she was basically giving it up herself with her asking for milk in a cup instead of from me. I didnt expect to feel this...this GUILTY.
So I am sitting here, eating my hormones in pasta and watching my little girl sleep peacefully on the baby monitor while tears roll down my cheeks.  Don't get me wrong, I am sooo thankful to have made it a full 19 months of nursing--a feat considering how many issues with pain I had in the beginning. I am proud of myself for persevering and  being stubborn about it. I am extremely grateful for encountering La Leche League and Breastfeeding USA counselors when I did. They helped me through a lot. I am also grateful to be able to say that I am an official La Leche League leader. I know now I can go into this next breastfeeding relationship with confidence, unlike when I started nursing Ella. I felt SO lost those first few days with her, but now I KNOW I can do it. I know that my body is capable.

I am sad to lose this bit of our relationship, but it also makes me happy to know that I have sustained her and given her "liquid gold" all these months. I know I have pictures, that I once was afraid to post, to remind me of how important it is. My favorite one being the one of me nursing her at 1 week old. I was terrified to let Jayla take that picture, but now it is one of my most cherished memories.

First Latch 30min after birth <3

One week old--Daniel's unwavering support is what got me through

6 months old--I loved these pictures, still do.

12 months old-This was an everyday occurance lol

16 months old. I love this little girl with all of my heart. I cherish every minute we've nursed. 

Ella Claire

   She's here! I can't believe I have already finished my pregnancy and had my sweet little girl! It has been quite a while since I posted here, and obviously--we found out we were having a girl! lol We found that out on January 9th, and we have loved her immensely so ever since conception. So I am posting now to tell my, well her, birth story.

   As you guys know, my estimated due date was Friday June 26, 2015. I had a fairly uneventful pregnancy, no gestational diabetes, no other complications (other than one high blood pressure that freaked us all out at 38 weeks and we thought I was going to have to be induced). Well, June 26 came and still no sign of baby Ella! I was only dilated to 1.5cm, and only 50% effaced. Talk about disappointment! I thought for sure I was going to end up having to be induced at 42 weeks, as did my midwife! We scheduled the date for July 9, and Ashley (midwife) told me she'd see me the following Monday at my first post due appointment. Daniel and I went to lunch, enjoyed some time together, and talked about the next couple weeks and what/when to talk to family about it all.

Saturday came and still nothing, no cramps, contractions--nothing. So we went and saw Inside Out that night. Great movie, btw! We enjoyed spending more time together, went to the store to get groceries for the week ahead, and cuddled on the couch (because after all that, this 40+1 momma was exhausted). When we went to bed that night, I could not get comfortable. I wasn't really cramping, just felt uncomfortable.

Sunday morning we made breakfast, and around noon we decided to take a nap since neither of us slept well. When we laid down, I started cramping, but didn't think anything of it because I had cramped off and on my entire last trimester. Once I laid down, the cramping got stronger and I couldn't get comfortable. I figured I just had to use the bathroom, I got up and tried to go, and was able to. When I finished, I looked and had lost what I thought to be part of my bloody show. I went into the bedroom and told daniel that there was a possibility i was in labor or that it was going to start in the next couple days. I hadn't had any discharge like that before, so it caught me off guard. I tried laying down again, but the cramping was annoying so I decided to take a shower. When I realized the cramping wasn't going anywhere even with the shower it dawned on me that i was actually most likely in labor. When I got out of the shower, I started trying to bounce/ rock on my exercise ball to see if that helped the "cramps" subside. It helped them be less annoying, but didnt stop them. 10 minutes later, i got up--barely made it to the tile--and my water broke. We think it was more like a tear, because it just kinda ran down my legs slowly. I texted my doula and let her know, and Daniel and I started getting the hospital stuff together and made lunch. We knew at that moment we would be meeting our little girl in 24 hours or less!

After my water broke, things got real super fast. My water broke at 3p, by 4p, my "cramps" (that were actually contractions) were so strong I couldn't talk through them. Daniel and I tried to watch a Parks & Rec, I tried to sip a smoothie, we tried talking, and eventually gave up on all of them. Daniel turned on Lindsey Sterling on Pandora and helped me by timing the contractions. By 430, my contractions were about 90 seconds long and about 3 minutes apart. I suddenly got really nauseated and got sick, which prompted daniel and I that we should probably go to the hospital. We called my doula and told her just to meet us at the hospital because it was a 30 minute drive and with me being as nauseated as I was, it worried us that I was farther along in labor than I actually was. We also called my mom and daniel's parents and told them to head this way as soon as they could.

We got to the hospital around 5 and was immediately taken to OB Assessment. That was the worst part of my entire labor process. Those 45 minutes they left me in there were pure torture. I was strapped to the machines and forced to stay in this tiny bed. Daniel felt helpless because all he could do was hold my hand. When they checked me, my water had indeed broken; however, I was only at 2cm and 75% effaced. Talk about disappointment!!! I turned to Daniel and told him that I was probably going to end up with an epidural if the contractions were this bad and I was only at a 2! I felt so disheartened! But things started to look up when they got me to my actual labor and delivery room.

When I was able to walk and move around, my contractions were so much more bearable. I rocked, swayed, squatted, labored on the toilet, all of the above. They didn't keep me hooked up to monitors and checked me only three times the entire time I was there. About 3 hours after getting there, I was at 4cm, 2 hours later I was a 5, and one hour later I was an 8. I went from 8cm to 10 cm in 15 minutes. My body started having the natural urge to push at 8cm. That was rough. The nurse and my doula were both telling me to try to breathe through the urge and not push. The most difficult thing I've ever done in my life. LOL Its really hard to stop something that naturally happens, btw. After they saw i was at an 8, I tried walking from the bathroom to the bed, and when I got to the bed, they had me squat while holding on to the back--so I was leaning over the back of the bed. 5 minutes later, my doula had to go hunt down the nurses! The nurse and my midwife almost didn't make it in time! Haha they barely got their little gown thingies on before Ella decided it was time for her to make her appearance! I only pushed 3 good times, and she was out in 15 minutes.

Ella Claire Nichols was born at 1:33a on June 29, 2015. She was 8lbs and 20.5 inches long! I didn't have any tearing (well a slight abrasion, but no stitches required) and she is beautiful and perfect in every way!

Breastfeeding is hard, but I know it will get easier. I am so thankful that I was able to have the birth I wanted, and that my baby girl came out completely healthy. We only spent a little over 24 hours in the hospital. They offered to have me stay another night, but I couldn't do it. I wanted my own bed! I got a nap when we got home and it was glorious! lol We still can't believe she's here and she'll be 2 weeks old in 3 days! Crazy how fast time flies! Daniel and I are enjoying our alone time and snuggling with our sweet girl. Titan loves her too! (except when she cries, then he has no idea what to do!).

We are extremely blessed, and I could not be more thankful. I probably wont post often (not like i did before...lol), but I hope to post at least once a quarter. Ella keeps me quite busy!

I hope you guys enjoy your weekend--I know I sure will!

The Year of Butter Bean

Oh wow, I did not realize that I haven't posted since August! So much has changed, even since then! I've obviously been busy with school, and I was seeing a personal trainer as well. School started out on an especially high note--I was ahead in everything, I kept up really well...then FYES happened. Let me just tell you, this class was a pointless waste of my tuition. It was ironic, really--the class that was supposed to be teaching me how to succeed and not procrastinate in college HELPED ME procrastinate and put things off. It made me completely apathetic for a good long while. I dreaded going to class, dreaded that class especially bad. Daniel probably got super irritated with me because i'd come home groaning about it EVERY TIME. It was awful. Needless to say, I'm glad that class is done. Oh man, that was the best day--walking out of the class for the very last time. Ah, memories. LOL anyways. Ended up finishing out my first semester, as distracted as I was the last two and a half months, with an overall 3.75 GPA. Pretty dang proud of myself, but kinda mad because I'm pretty sure the reason I didn't make a 4.0 is because I bombed my Gov't final. Oh well. Still did pretty well!

Our 8 week ultrasound--Baby Butter bean says YAY! lol

As for why I was distracted the last couple months? Most of you already know. As of October 15, 2014 that Daniel and I are expanding our family! We are pregnant! I am going to be 16 weeks on Friday and I'm so in love with this little one! We won't find out the gender for a few more weeks, and it is killing me not knowing! I also had something exciting happen yesterday--I felt the baby move for the first time! At least, I'm pretty sure I did! It was so amazing and weird all at the same time. To backtrack a little, we surprised our families when we went home October 23, and it was awesome. I had written two cute little poems, one for each set of parents, and picked out onesies for each of them. A cute little turkey onesie for my mommy and daddy--and of course, an alabama jersey onesie for the in-laws. They were so thrilled, even if my mother in law thought we were kidding at first. LOL. Both sides are completely enthralled with our pregnancy, as are we. We waited to tell everyone on facebook until our 8 week appt back on November 14. It was so hard waiting THAT long. I'm just glad we told our family when we went home. Even though I was only 5 weeks at that time and there was still a chance for miscarriage, I'm glad I told everyone. My mom was able to help me through my own terror as i cramped and spotted after our trip. It ended up being nothing and our little BUTTER BEAN (hence the title) was doing just fine.  I am due June 26, 2015 and this year will be the year of the butter bean! 1/2 of the year pregnant, 1/2 of the year holding my little sweetheart. So happy.

The two of us on the side of the ship as we came into port at
Nassau. 

Daniel and I also celebrated our 5th wedding anniversary this year! Can you believe that? 5 years already! We were blessed with the opportunity to take a cruise to Nassau, Bahamas--it was so amazing. It was only a 3 day cruise, but so worth it. We want to take another one eventually, but we will probably do a 6 or 7 day cruise that time. It was amazing to just sit at the front of the ship and watch the sunrise and set over the ocean, as well as just enjoy each others company. We didn't have our phones, except to take pictures, or computers--so it was a nice change. We got to visit the Atlantis resort in nassau too while we were there--it was beautiful! Wish I could have seen their water park but since we weren't staying there, we weren't allowed many places.

we could NOT get Titan to cooperate
trying to get our Christmas card pic lol

We had a good visit home for both Thanksgiving and Christmas this year as well. We were able to go to MS for thanksgiving, for which i was so grateful! And spending time back home was awesome, even if I was sick the whole time (I ended up getting the flu or a cold or some other form of nasty business two days before we left for the cruise... was on antibiotics on the cruise...and proceeded to cough incessantly the entire trip home...and i'm still coughing every once in a while now. its annoying. lol)

Other than that stuff, we haven't really done much. We've spent more time together than usual, which is nice. Daniel is actually able to go with me to all my appts (so far), and believes he should be able to go with me for all of them which is exciting. being in the military, that isn't guaranteed though--so i'll take what i can get! lol hopefully he'll be able to go to all of them with me. It is very nice having him there. OH I forgot to mention, I'm seeing Midwives, not an OB. I'll meet the OBs as i get closer--just in case I have to have a C-section, but i am truly seeing the midwives. I plan on going au natural (call me crazy if you want, but i'd much rather that than the alternative!)  and am both terrified and excited. Daniel supports my decision 100%, and we have a doula as well which will really help us out. We've been extremely blessed with friends and family offering up toys, a crib, changing table, etc. It is so helpful.

Oh! As for school? Since I know you're all wondering. I am continuing. I am only taking 2 courses this semester, both online. I will do the same thing next semester. 2 courses, both online. After that, I'm not really sure what will happen. It will depend on Daniel's job and what we have going on at that time. I'm not too concerned about it, though. :) I am determined to finish school, it just might take a little longer than I had originally anticipated. Which is fine by me. :)

I'll try to update more often throughout the pregnancy, but no promises. I tend to think I'm not busy, until i am busy. Then things just kinda get away from me. Overall, I think 2015 is going to be a fantastic year. I did not make any resolutions. I am really just focusing on having a happy, healthy pregnancy and encouraging my husband. I love my little family so much!

Anyways, I'll try to update you with gender reveal and more ultrasounds as they happen!

Have a great Wednesday, everyone!

-Beth-

16 week bump pic, starting to round out a
bit! :) can't wait to see how that changes
over the next couple months!

Changes

So much has happened in the month since I last posted. I've decided to go back to school, turned 24, did my first maternity sessions, attended a banquet for Daniel's group here, had my best friend and my brother visit, AND finally got under 230--all within a month.

Got my parking pass and ID!

Its been a busy month thats for sure. I decided back on July 10 that BAM I was ready to go back to school. After tossing it around in my head for months (really the past year or longer), I decided. It took my husband staring me down and saying, "DO YOU NOT HEAR YOURSELF?! You obviously want to do nursing, you are very passionate about it and the only thing holding you back is fear." Welp, thanks hubs. haha He didn't say it exactly that way, but thats basically what he told me. So yes, I'm going to school for nursing. I start my prereqs on Monday, actually. I'm going for my ASN--but that could change if we move and a college where we end up doesn't have an ASN program. From there, I plan to do an ASN-BSN or ASN-MSN bridge program...then eventually, after I've had my babies, become a CNM (Certified Nursing Midwife). I've always been passionate about babies, children, and pregnant women. I think this is the path I'm meant for. I still plan on becoming a Doula as well, so that will help me with my nursing career as well. I'm really excited, but I'm also terrified. The thought of having to sit through classes and all the BS that is college (the costs, ect)---it scares me. Luckily this semester and next I have myCAA (scholarship for military spouses that covers 4000 TOTAL) AND Pell Grant, so I should be good on getting everything. Its once myCAA runs out that I start getting nervous--but Daniel and I have a plan for what we're going to do, and it should all run smoothly. :)

At the dolphin show!

Getting to see my bestie was probably one of the best birthday presents I could get! We had so much fun and just really enjoyed each other's company. We went up to Atlanta on my birthday (since the weather completely crapped on my plan to go to the beach! boooo) and went to the GA Aquarium--one of my favorites! Though, remember this--DO NOT GO THERE ON THE WEEKENDS. EVER. that is all. lol it was packed and hard to maneuver which makes it less enjoyable, but it was still fun. My favorite part was the first 30 minutes that we spent in a Dolphin Show. It was super cheesy, but it was awesome too. I loved the dolphins. I want that job. hahahahaha

goofin off before lunch at The Rookery

Me and Tesla! Dork!

My brother's visit went well too. I really enjoyed having him here and was super sad to see him leave. We're so close and its always hard to say goodbye to him. :\ We went up to Macon and tried a new restaurant called The Rookery--sooo good! Best burgers and fries I've ever had! (They also had a really good Root Beer Float--one of David's all-time favorite desserts!) I went to Mass with him as well, and that was awesome. I really enjoyed it. We also went to see Guardians of the Galaxy--SO GOOD! :D Daniel and David enjoyed it too. lol Titan got his best bud Tesla to visit too, so much fun!

One of my favorite maternity shots!

Maternity pictures are also by FAR my favorite. I enjoyed getting the shots they most want and seeing the joy on their faces when I show them their pictures. So amazing.

Sorry I'm being a little ADD with my post--I'm just trying to cover anything I missed telling you guys over the last few weeks. haha. 

Before the banquet

The banquet was fun--I'm really hoping we can go to the AF Ball in Sept as well. That would be so cool! I enjoy dressing up and looking pretty. :)  

I guess that is really about it. I had a bunch I wanted to write today, but for some reason now I'm drawing a blank. :\ I blame stress. lol 

anyways. I hope you guys have a great weekend. 

-Beth

The Comfort Zone

We all have it. That little happy routine and place where we repeat over and over. The one thing we can't seem to shake. The place we go to hide when everything else is uncertain.

I've been stuck in mine for years.

Until today. Well really, 2 weeks ago. But today REALLY starts getting me out of "the zone."

I've always been one to make sure we had breakfast food when it was breakfast, lunch food when it was lunch, and dinner food when it was dinner--no questions asked...except for the occasional breakfast for dinner just for kicks and giggles. I've always been the one to sit at home, watching TV, wondering--much like Rapunzel from Tangled--When will my life begin?

I have my prince charming already--oh yes. Daniel is my knight in shining armor (or should i say Airman in green camo?), he is my everything---but when I ask myself, when will my life begin?, I'm moreso asking when will I get my crap together and actually START my life. Losing the weight, starting my family, ect. When  will I be brave enough to step out of that comfort zone I've been in for so long? The answer up until now was "eventually."  Two weeks ago that changed. Two weeks ago I took a leap of faith and saw a personal trainer. He is pretty awesome. He's only 20/session, which isn't bad--so that helps. I just can't go see him every day...sometimes I may only be able to see him once a week--but I see him. Accountability--its what matters. Then, Daniel and I were talking about his nutritional plan. We decided it would be best for me to do it. Tim (my trainer) has full faith that it will help me. It didn't cost an arm and a leg to do either, so that makes it easier.

Today is Day 1. I had a lot of anxiety after getting my "meal plan" and workout plan. I am not the one to eat the same thing over and over....but there it was in black and white--Meals 1-6--for the next 30 days. O.O  let me just say, I had a minor freak out. LOL especially because I saw that I will be eating Steak and oatmeal for breakfast. SAY WHAT?! yeah. I dont do normal food for breakfast. but alas--i woke my butt up this morning (much groaning from me because Daniel just got home at 7 so i only got like..10 minutes of snuggle time this morning! :( boo!) and I cooked a steak. I love steak. I'm actually glad i'm doing this plan. Daniel doesn't like steak. so now i get to enjoy my steak every morning for the next month. I might get tired of it, which again would be good for Daniel. ;) LOL

All in all, I think this will be good for me. Its completely cutting dairy and sugar out of my diet--except for a "dot" of honey that I'm allowed SOMETIMES on my oatmeal if i get bored of the flavor. But it will give my body a chance to heal and see if I might have some intolerances to dairy that i didn't know about. I dont drink milk, i just can eat my weight in greek yogurt--it is my go-to snack. haha as for sugar...i have been thinking about cutting out sugar the past couple months, so that one was welcome....even if it means i can't eat a banana or strawberries or blueberries... I'll survive--its only for a month. :)

Aside from all the new changes in my diet and workout life--i also have other changes in my life. As of this friday, I'm no longer a nanny. The hours were getting to be too much and I was overstressing--as were they. So we both decided it would be best if they put Jack back in daycare. It was mutual, and I'm still going to be their go-to babysitter for weekends or if no one can pick jack up when he needs to, I'll go get him--ect ect. :) So thats good. I'm a little stressed, but I know we'll make it work. I'm trying to get on board with a more part time job, and I've also decided to be more involved with AF doings. :) I'm going this weekend to meet with a few ladies about becoming a Key Spouse for Daniel's squadron. I will be a point of contact, I will organize get togethers, I will help wives out if their hubbies are deployed, I will help them out if they just need it. Something I LOVE doing--helping others. I'm really hoping I am able to do it. I am also thinking about being the Point of Contact for something called Cinderella's Closet. Basically--i'd be a dress consultant and help them find the perfect dress for the occasion and I will keep track of inventory and whatnot. So thats awesome. I have to meet with the board and talk to them though, so we shall see. I'm just trying to be more involved. I'm hoping that by involving myself I will be less depressed, less out of sync. I really want to be happy here, at least for Daniel. We've got *at LEAST* another year, if not 2 here. I best make the most of it.

I think one reason I'm having a hard time is I dont really have any friends--not like at Keesler. I have my best friend here, but we don't see each other daily. Well, we used to--but then life happened. haha. At keesler I was used to constantly doing something with Lani and Nichole, so I think that really got me spoiled. haha  I'll get over it though. I'm trying, I'm trying to find more friends, I'm trying to branch out and do more for the squadron, and most of all--I'm doing my best to support my husband. Thats why I'm here. I love him, I cherish him, and I am here for him--to support him. I am one lucky woman.


As for now, I think thats everything. I'm pretty sure I'm about to go to Ross--even though I wanted Daniel to go with me so he can try on a shirt--I dont want to lose that dress! OHH. Yeah, thats right I didn't say anything in here. We are attending our first formal military event! Its the 5th MOB's 50th anniversary next week, and we got the honor of being able to attend the banquet! I'm so excited! So of course that means, getting my nails done, doing my hair pretty, and having a BEAUTIFUL gown. I hope. *fingers crossed* that its still at Ross, lol. It was so pretty though, I'm scared it will get snatched up!

Anywho, I hope all of you are having a great week! I will post more often now that my schedule is opening up....maybe. Haha you know me, I always say I'll try to post more and life just often gets in the way!

Have a great HUMP DAYYYYYYY. :)

-Beth

Just for kicks and giggles--look how big my wedding dress is on me!

Never Boring

Life has been crazy...isn't it always? I got to see my sweet little nephews, Skyler and Colton, on May 18. That was the first time I've seen them in over 2 years, and the last time I saw them was literally for 15 minutes. I've missed them.

me and my sweet nephews! 

We had a really good visit, and I wish Daniel had been able to accompany me (he was on call with his shop the entire weekend. boo). I also wish my parents, little sis, and little bro could have seen them. I know they've missed them as well. But anyways. I love these kiddos. :)

The week after that, we had our friends from Keesler come up. So much fun! I have missed them so incredibly much. I didn't realize just how much I'd missed them until they got here! It had been about 9months since we had seen them last. :(  We had an incredible visit, I cooked a lot, and we just enjoyed their company. I cried when they left. Oh it hurt. I felt like I had left keesler all over again. It was so hard to pull myself out of it. I was on the verge of being depressed--and thats never a good feeling. I broke down with Daniel. I miss those 6 months we were at keesler-minus him being in tech school. Idk it was different there. Here--I feel alone. I have a couple of friends...but I just feel lonely. :\ Its harder here.

on the other hand, there are a lot of good things going for me right now. one of those being--I got a personal trainer! I had my first session this past monday. It was an eval, so thats nice. but he's only $20/session and doesn't have a contract, so if I can't afford him, then I just don't go that week--no harm no foul. Love it. He's super nice too.  I also have never had a complete stranger be so encouraging. You want to know what he told me? First off he told me he was impressed with me. Which...I was slightly taken aback at first (meaning he had preconceived notions based off my weight), but then I was proud at what my body had accomplished and I knew thats what he meant as well. Second--he told me that I was going to do amazing things. BAM. i almost cried. haha (i have been an emotional wreck this week, sooo sue me). I've never had someone that was a complete stranger tell me anything like that before. He doesn't know me, he doesn't know who I am--really. We met, he did my eval, bam done. So for him to tell me I'm going to do amazing things... just wow. I felt so happy the rest of the day and fully encouraged. God knew I needed that boost of confidence. ;)

So I'm planning on seeing him 2x/week--as we can afford it. I'd love to do his 6 month nutritional program...but we dont have an extra hundred bucks laying around--boo. i'm going to try to save up for it. :)

I've also been fighting a LOT of headaches--especially this last week. I'm assuming either because a) something is out of alignment in my back or b) i'm sleeping funny...or c) i'm clenching my teeth AND sleeping funny. all i know is I'm sick of it. haha ibuprofen, naproxen, tylenol, excedrin... i've tried it all. lol even claritin, zyrtec, and sudafed. and peppermint YLEO--which now i probably can't live without because it is amazing! lol

but anyways. I guess thats really it for today. I just needed to get some stuff off my chest. been trying to post a blog for like..2 weeks but couldn't really find the words to say. :\ i do apologize for me jumping to random subjects. lol a tad scatterbrained today. I need a vacation. *sigh*

Hope you guys are having a terrific week.

Its Never Easy

Wow, these last few weeks have been crazy. I started my new job back in the beginning of April, and that keeps me pretty busy. I'm working about 40ish hours most weeks (sometimes only 30, but for the most part, 40), so its been pretty much full time. I have been trying to get to the gym and cook and clean and most of the time? Cleaning goes amiss.

I've been feeling rather discouraged lately. Today a lot more than usual. I don't know, I just feel like my weight is never going away--and thats a terrible thing. If I think this way, it makes me sad...sadness doesn't help me, it hurts me. I get so frustrated. I've been the same weight for the last 3 weeks. I didn't lose anything on my 24 Day Challenge... I felt better, yes, but didn't lose anything. I've been working out consistently (at 430, mind you). We eat clean... we haven't eaten out since David's graduation last weekend--which really is a feat for us...and we hadn't eaten out in a week or so prior to his graduation...so we've been doing really good. I DONT UNDERSTAND.

I'm so frustrated right now. I just... I dont know. Maybe its because I'm so stressed all the time? I try to relax, but theres always so much going on and I can hardly do anything anymore. Its stressful trying to carve time to go to the gym. I NEED to go to the gym more not less. I can't. :\ Idk if I need to add more? I dont want to burn out, but I also NEED to lose this. I need it to be gone. I'm so tired of trying at this point. I know its not going to happen overnight, but its just frustrating. I feel like I've been with this constant battle for years and getting NOWHERE.

Daniel and I finally decided when we would stop preventing, so in other words, start trying to start our family. When I hit 175. I feel like thats never going to happen at this point. We set up little mini goals. my first one? To get past 230. I'm supposed to be at that goal by the 18th. I should have been down to 231 or 232 for that to happen. I'm not. I've been sitting at 234-237 for the past month. I'm. SO. over it. I don't know. I try. I really do. We eat so good when we're home. Going back and forth between my nanny job doesn't help, but its not that bad. I usually take my own food with me so i will have plenty of healthier options to eat (instead of always eating the baby's food--lol that used to be my biggest downfall when i'd babysit!!!) but for some reason i never budge.

I've been thinking a lot about sugar lately. Maybe I should cut it out? I eat a lot of berries, greek yogurt, and bananas--though after entering a banana into MFP--i have already cut back on those a TON. they have over 40g of sugar in ONE BANANA. ridiculous. Never would have guessed it... I just dont really know how to cut back on it while still enjoying it...If i completely cut it out--that automatically sets me up for failure...because I'm putting a big YOU CANT EAT THIS label on it...so therefore--reverse psychology kicks in and i'm like MUST EAT ALL OF IT I CAN. lol I dont know.

I'm just really feeling discouraged.  I'm just tired of it. I wish I could just wish it all away. :( I'm ready to start my family, and I'm the one holding us back. :(

Thats all for today I guess. I can't really think of anything else.

-Beth